TCGSGSY - Chapter 2

I've read Chapter 2 of The Catholic Girl's Survival Guide for the Single Years.  It radically depressed me. Just thinking about it really sends me into tears.

The chapter is about what it means to be authentically feminine.  I'm not sure the author ever actually defines authentic femininity.  She seems to define around it and then is like it's being your authentic self.  It seems like her answer is wishy washy and relative.

Being authentically feminine is being our true selves, the self God made us to be and becoming that woman.  I'm thinking about this.  What if I don't like the woman God wants me to be?  What if God wants me to be all girly?  I hate that.  I hate it when I'm girly.  Maybe the problem is I don't know what authentic girlyness is and I'm going off what culture says it is.  And that is just not me.

In the chapter, she says there are three truths but only explicitly names 2.  The first is that "Men and women are the desired and beloved of God."  The second is "All is gift.  All is grace."  I'm not sure that desired is the word I want to use.  I'm alternately creeped out and sad.  Creeped out because God is some old guy.  Ok.  He's depicted as an old guy.  And that's just creepy when old old men desire young women.  Course I'm getting rapidly older...so that creepy factor may lesson.  I'm sad because no one really desires me.  Why would God?

The auther then goes on to talk about how women have a mother's soul.  We are called to be mothers, always in spirit and sometimes in body.  It's about being beautiful, receptive and nurturing.  I'm not very motherly.  I'm impatient.  I'm quick to anger.  I'm cruel. I am not nurturing.  It's horrible really.  When I try to be supportive and nurturing, it's usually the opposite.  I try to be nice and it just fails for me.  I'm not beautiful.  I can't even hardly look in a mirror, I'm so not beautiful.

The chapter then goes into "The Lesson Plan" which presents 10 different lessons for authentic femininity.  Lesson 5 is to endure.  She recommends nagging God.  Well, guys don't like to be nagged so I've been told.  God's a guy.  I'm guessing He's not going to like it either.

I think it was Lesson 10:  Learn to Look Lovely that pushed me over the edge.  I'm not lovely.  I'm not going to ever look lovely.  I can't have authentic femininity if I don't look lovely.  I don't know the first thing about being lovely.  I suppose I need all new clothes, but I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror.  I have no idea what looks good on me and what doesn't.  It's like I've missed some crucial girl lessons.

For women, it's always about the looks isn't it?