No reason

So I've been laying in my bed for the last 2 hours or so thinking and crying.  It was a nice day.  Was thinking that if Jake were still here we'd go for a walk and get ice cream.

I probably would have resisted at first.  But then I would have guilted myself into taking him out.

There's really no reason for me to go for walks anymore.  I guess I should walk because it's "good" for me.  That's just not a good enough reason.

The question

To "mope" or not to "mope"...

I prefer calling it laying in bed staring at the wall actually

Sucks

As I sit alone on a Friday night crying, well not totally alone, my parents are home, might as well be alone, I keep asking myself how did it come to this?  This was not how it was supposed to be.  The sucky part of my life was supposed to be over.

And I keep thinking about what the priest said to me, about how if I was kind and pleasant and nice I'd have friends. He told me not be clingy.  As if there was an aura of blackness and evil that precedes me.

I'm crying because I know he is right.  I'm not a nice person.  I'm not pleasant.  I'm not kind.  It is all entirely my fault.  I'm totally powerless to change it.

I look into my future and I see hundreds upon thousands of nights just like this.  alone.  isolated.  and I can't bear to face it.

What is the point after all?  There is no point.  I get up, go to work, go to bed.  ad infinitum.  This is my life.  It totally sucks and it is totally my fault.  And I totally can't manage to do anything about it.

Dreaming

I had my favorite and my least favorite dream again this morning.  It is the same dream that I love and hate.  I'm being held and my head is resting on his chest and his arms are around me and I'm so warm and safe.  My brain is quiet.  He smells a little bit like the outdoors.  Every so often, he kisses the top of my head and then rests his chin on my head.  It's how I know he has a head cause I never see it.  This time I'm giggling and he squeezes me harder telling me to go to sleep.

I love this dream but I hate it so much.  I hate it so much because it makes me seem vulnerable.  I hate it because it is so girly.  But most of all, I hate it because it starts to fill me with hope and I know there is no hope for me.  I know no one is ever going to want to hold me like that with no strings attached.  And I am all the more sad.

Terror

It's been rather warm here so the bedroom windows are open.  I live on a busy street.  Last night I was suddenly awoken and filled with absolute terror.  I was so terrified that I actually ran out of bed in a really odd way.  I was about halfway off the bed when I finally came to my senses.  A car/bike without a muffler had come roaring down the street.

The terror is still about me.  I wonder what I was dreaming about.

waves of sadness

I'm currently being drowned in waves of sadness.
I don't feel like doing much of anything.

Combative

I was told that I was being combative today. It is impossible to refute the accusation because you are being combative by refuting.

I'm thinking about this and I think I know what the real problem is, or at least a factor.

I don't feel I'm being listened to. Because I'm not being heard, I'm getting combative in an attempt to be heard. Which just makes it all worse.

I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't talk if no one is going to listen .

Again, not the only one

Deacon Greg has a post on a research survey that looked at why Catholics leave.  I think I agree with one of the comments about how the reasons given should be taken with a grain of salt.  A person may not be able to or want to articulate the real reasons and will latch on to an "easy" explanation.  I feel really embarrassed about admitting I'm leaving the Church because I don't really get it, I don't feel God's presence in my life or... actually I can't really articulate it without rambling.  It is far far easier and simpler to say Father's a dork.

I'd have to say the comments about focus on the rules aren't in touch with most late 1970s catechism.  When I was in the younger grades, it was all about how Jesus loved us and all that.  When I was getting ready for Confirmation in 7th and 8th grade, then it was all about the rules.  I think now the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction.  The teachers who grew up believing that Catholicism is all about rules have a real problem with it now in that they throw out all the rule knowing.

What's happened is they have not adapted those rules into their schema.  They are still external sources of rules, not internal sources of rules...

Not Playing Along

My boss wants me to write a will. Uhm. No

Reconciliation

Last weekend, the archdiocese I lived in had a Reconciliation Weekend.  It is a Catholic's duty to go at least once a year and coincidentally, I had managed to sin, so off I went.

Fr. Z talks about Confession a great deal.  I have to wonder if it is his favorite Sacrament.  He's always posting these stories about how people went to Confession after a very long time and are so relieved or what have you.

I have to say, Confession doesn't usually make me feel good/better.  It usually makes me feel worse.  If I was depressed before, I get even more depressed.   Why do you ask?  Although the priest is acting in persona Christi,  they really don't give advice like Christ.  Which is understandable.  

But some of the advice I've gotten--

• You are just saying that for attention.  (I didn't darken the door of a Confessional for 10 years after that.  And I left the Church.)
• You are going to be sorry.  And when ____ happens, don't come crying to me!  (Clearly.)
• You need to go to AA. (hmmmm)

And the winner:

• If you were a nice pleasant person and kind and weren't clingy, you'd have friends.  (He'd never met me before BTW...apparently I have an aura that precedes me)

Then there are the penances that are near impossible:

• Thank Jesus for your blah blah blah.  (Uhm)
• Spend 5 minutes thinking about how you can deepen your relationship with Christ.  (I don't have one....so )
• Think about how Jesus loves you.  (Did I not just confess that Jesus doesn't love me?)

OF course the best one was I confessed anger issues and Father said to read Psalm XX and then was like wait, it's full of anger and bloodshed.  Perhaps a more peaceful psalm instead.  

I just hate going with a passion.  

I suppose the solution to this is to stop sinning...

Distraction

it helps to be distracted.  To be kept busy.  It's interesting I think how different people react to grief.  I feel like I need to get stuff done.  I alternate between that and trying to pretend it didn't happen.  That nothing has changed.

Buddy, seems to find solace in beauty.

My boss, retail therapy.  She said I needed a whole new wadrobe to console myself.

Gone

When my first basset Homer died, as I was packing his things away, I washed all the dog beds one last time.  I couldn't wash the stuffing, but I thought I should put it in the dryer to kill anything.  When the stuffing came out of the dryer, the lint trap was full of Homer's fur.  I was so happy becuase I had forgotten to get some of Homer's fur before he was cremated.

Jake died on Friday.  I did remember to get his fur, but more is always better.  The same bed that Homer slept on, Jake slept on.  I had planned to do the same thing.  Except when I got home from Mass, the bed was gone.  I frantically searched, thinking it had been put in my room.  I finally found it downstairs, the realm of my sister and 2 cats.  I went to go get it and when I picked it up, I realized the mass/weight/feel of the bed had changed.  I opened it up and realized the stuffing had been replaced with bean bag beans.

I was furious.  Needless to say, I took the cover back.  I almost dumped out the beans from the lining but decided that it wasn't worth the hassle.  I placed the cover on my bed.

I went out with a friend for a while and when I got back, I saw the cover had reappeared downstairs.  I took it back again.  And this time my sister saw me take it.  Not a word between us was spoken.

The funny thing is, had she asked, I would have let her have the bed.  The sheepskin side of the cover is starting to wear and I had thought about getting Jake a new one, I just couldn't find one I liked for the right price.

I just wanted to get Jake's fur.  And now it is gone.

I'm putting all of Jake's blankets in the car tomorrow to keep them safe....

It's not him...

I always listened for the sound of Jake's tags jingling together.  I could tell where he was and what he was doing by the noise they made.

I heard tags jingling this afternoon.  I got so excited thinking it was Jake.  I almost got up to see.  But I remembered it's not him.  His tags are silent.

Just Call Me...

Farmer Snup.
I wish Jake was here to help dig.

Anyway, I mentioned to my Father that I'd like to try and grow some herbs in the backyard.  In containers.  Kind of like this:

That's not what my dad heard.  He heard this:

Uh.  Apparently it is going to be 12 feet long and 6 feet wide.  At least.  And we are going to plant potatoes.  and tomatoes.  and carrots.  and onions.  

Empty

Yesterday morning, I had to put my faithful friend of 5 years to sleep.  Jake was my bestest friend.

Empty shelf
Empty closet
Empty space under the desk
Empty yard
Empty bowls
Empty bed
Empty heart

My last $5

was spent on my favorite Italian cookies.

Which is now become my dinner.

Algebra at Work

How long will it take one person to assemble 25 booklets of 30 pages each?
How long will it take if she gets a coworker to help?
How long will it take if boss comes by and asks lots of questions?
What is the probably that the assembler will be told to do something else right away?
What is the probability that last minute changes will have to be made to the packet?
What is the probability that the assembler will spend the time reflecting upon her life and wonders if she should have just worked at kinkos?

Best Quote of the Day

God loves you 

not because of the sort of person you are 

but because of the sort of person he is. 

Upper Body Strength

Well.  I had been abstractly thinking about working on my upper body strength.  I'm not abstractly thinking about it anymore.

Jake fell into a lake this afternoon.  He sank like a stone.  I wouldn't have been able to pull him out.  Hiking Buddy was with me and was able to pull Jake out and keep him from going under deeper.  Jake was totally under the water.  Jake only weighs 55 pounds.

Needs to build up muscle.

And give Hiking Buddy an appropriate reward!

Hey! I'm not the only one...

Yeah...What He says

Making a Quilt Step 1

I thought I'd go through for you how I make quilts.  I'm getting ready to make a quilt so...now is a good time to walk through the process.  Someone I know is having a baby and has asked for a quilt.  Since she is getting the sex of the baby, that means the quilt can be more tailored to a boy or a girl.  If not, I would stick with general baby colors and themes.  I was hoping she'd have a boy, so I could use baby dinosaurs. She's having a girl.  So no baby dinosaurs.

I've asked her if she has a theme for the nursery yet.  Bright green and purple.
So.  What I'm looking at now is girl appropriate fabrics that have green and purple in them.  I don't tend to go for baby fabrics, like bottles and nappies.  I still have my first quilt.  I slept with it until I was uhm. er.  well. uhm. Anyway.  la la la  I'm looking for a fabric that would be appropriate up until about age 5.

In terms of quilt size, I'm thinking a large lap size.  Midway between crib and twin.

Now I need to determine a pattern.  I prefer to choose the pattern and the fabric simultaneously if I don't have one in mind.  I tend to believe that some fabric lends itself to certain patterns over others.  A fabric that has big prints on it needs big blocks.  Then sometimes I have a pattern and am looking for fabrics to fit the pattern.

Right now I'm searching through fabric websites.  I'm trying to decide if I want there to be animals or dots or stars or what have you.

Beggars

This morning while getting my daily soda, I was accosted by a beggar asking for money.  I don't carry much cash, so I was unable to give him any.  But I wouldn't have anyway.  Beggars make me incredibly nervous.  Especially when they come up to my car when I'm getting out.  Chances are, I will get back back in my car and drive off.  I suppose it is a fear reaction.  I remember when I was about 17, I took my sister to the zoo and a beggar asked us for money and when we didn't have any, she started throwing chunks of asphalt at my car.

It's interesting because if the beggars are quiet and stationary or playing music, I'm more likely to give something.

I feel terribly unChristian when I say no.  And I feel guilty.

Selling Yourself

I'm working on cover letters for post-docs.  This is very difficult for me.  I'm not so good at selling myself.  I'm good at selling myself short, which doesn't get one a post doc.

Woke Up

I woke up sad this morning.  Not sure why.  But's colored my outlook on my whole day.

Dogs & Great Views

My new favorite blog.

I know what I'm doing tonight...going through all jake's pictures.  I'm pretty sure I have Jake and great views.  If not, know what I'm doing this weekend ;)

Woke up..

with this in my head.  It was accompanied by a feeling of being warm n snuggly and being hugged, so I'm not too terribly upset.  But I'd like it out now.





Ur welcome.

Love Quotes

I love this blog.  http://stglassbflo.blogspot.com/

That pretty much sums it up

Someone on facebook had linked to a blogpost about how quick doctors and parents are to medicate.  I clicked around and found this blog.  I've been reading different posts and am feeling validated somewhat and slightly cheered.  I'm also sad because I identify with so many of the posts.

I'm even more sad to realize that perhaps it is a good thing that it will be incredibly difficult for me to have children.  Because I can see the dysfunctional behavior patterns in me and have not had great success in stopping them.  Better not to have children than to run the risk...

Getting Used To It

In the beginning, I fought it.  I tried to resist.  But I've grown tired.  And I don't see the point of fighting it anymore.

I'm getting used to the soul-numbing monotony.  The endless parade of days that are the same.  Except for a day every 2-3 weeks, everything is the same.

I'm getting used to the soul-crushing loneliness.  The waking hours where I will not speak to any one or even be acknowledged.  Sometimes, I wonder if I exist.  Maybe I'm just imagining things.  Maybe it's all a horrible nightmare.  My life has become a series of brief, superficial encounters with strangers.

I'm so horridly weary of everything. I'm not so sure I see the point of all this anymore.

Why am I here?  What am I supposed to be doing with my life?  Where am I going?

I've been told I need to change my life.  Hmm.  indeed.  Perhaps I ought to.  But why?  What difference will it make?  Maybe I already know I need to make changes, but haven't the foggiest notion of how or what.

All I know is that it wasn't supposed to be like this.

was having

... a bad day...but a friend came by and gave me a hug.  I feel all better.

Which is strange...because up until this friend came along I didn't like being hugged.  Actually, I still don't like being hugged.  Except by this friend.  This friend is the only person allowed to hug me. :)

So here some hug quotes:

Every time I think of you, it is like getting a hug from the inside out.  ~Author Unknown


Your hugs are like the stars that light up my life when things get dark.  ~Author Unknown

Clearly

...I need to stop drinking.  Drinking alcohol that is.

I've already stopped drinking by myself.  Usually when I drink with other people, I get the giggles.  When I drink by myself, I just start crying.

I've also noticed that if I sober up by myself, I start crying too.

Guess that means I'll have to stop drinking.  Dunno what I'll do with the 10 bottles of wine I have.

Balls

This is news?

So I was reading ksdk.com to see what was on fire at lunch and I see this headline "Pope denounces pre-marital sex, cohabitation and gay marriage."

I'm a little confused.  How is this news?  I believe the Catholic Church has been denouncing those items from the beginning.

Anything not to talk about the economy or rising gas prices.

EEK!

I had a body fat analysis this morning.

That was rather frightening. 

Birds

In college, I was introduced to the delights of Tom Lehrer.  I never quite understood why anyone would want to poison the pigeons in the park.  Until I got the bedroom window with bushes in front of it.  Starting in March and ending sometime in...honestly I couldn't tell you.... the birds start their mad tweeting  at 5:30 ish.    That's am.  So instead of the half-daze I've been in for that last month at 6 when I'm up but not up, I'm awake.

tweet.  tweet.  tweet.  tweet.  TWEEEEEEEEEEEET.

Is going to be long spring.

Utterly...

bored.  I am completely bored.  I thought I was an interesting person.  Yeah no.

I thought I'd be relieved not to have a dissertation to write, not to go to night classes.  Yeah, no.

I'm bored out of my skull.

I suppose I could work on cleaning my room.  It upsets Jake to no end however.  And I need to use the living room and that just annoys my family.   Pretty much everything I do has the potential to annoy them.  It's pretty clear I need to figure out a way to move.

I think, maybe, that this is part of the reason I'm so sad.  I get up, walk Jake, go to work, come home, try to amuse myself for 4-5 hours, go to bed.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Ad Infinitum.  What is the point to all of this?

I'm tempted to sign up for classes because I'm so at a loss of what to do with myself.

My brain just spins and spins because there is nothing to distract it.  Nothing to focus on.

Wrong

Every so often, althought lately it seems more frequently, I get the overwhelming sense that I am wrong.  That the way I act and react, the way I speak, the way I dress, everything really about me is wrong.

I never seem to understand why people react to me the way they do.  I never seem to anticipate what is going to happen or their feelings or what have you.

I don't understand.  All I know is that everything about me is wrong.

Writing About Feminism

I keep trying to write about feminism.  It's not going to so well.  I have all these thoughts and can't seem to make them coherent.  But this morning, I realized something else.  I'm having a hard time writing about feminism because I am so conflicted about feminism.

Joy

One of my favorite religious authors (ok, I'll be honest, the only one I've actually read) is Father James Martin, SJ.  His latest book is called "Between Heaven and Mirth" and is about joy in the spiritual life.  It's been out for a couple of months at least.  I had started reading it, but put it aside because of my dissertation.  Then I lost the book.  I finally found it Monday and started reading it again.  I finished it tonight.

It's a great book and I really enjoyed reading it.  There is a great deal to think about and laugh at in it.

I think that is my problem.  I don't have any joy.  I shouldn't say it quite like that.  I have joy when I'm with Hiking Buddy or Drinking Buddy.  And thinking of our exploits does bring me joy.  But I have no joy generated of myself.  Or at least I can't think of any.

The best I can think of is graduation.  I was very happy.  But I don't know if that was joy or if it was relief.

Maybe I don't recognize joy.

And I after reading the book, I have to wonder if that's why I have very very few friends.  Because I have no joy and am a joy vampire.

I know joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.  I just don't seem to know how to get it, let alone express it.

The Rose

But what if spring never comes?

Sucks

only having 1 friend.

There are 2 concerts I want to go to but I can't convince Hiking Buddy to go with me.  And I don't have anyone else to ask.

Ah well.  I'm sure the concert in July will be miserable since it is outside.  So I won't be missing anything.

Wind

It's so windy out!  I love it.  I love the wind.  It reminds me of the Holy Spirit.  I think somewhere in the Bible it talks about the wind of the Holy Spirit.  Maybe if I listen hard enough, I'll hear what God wants me to do.

I love the wind.  Blowing my cares away.


and

It's not just me..

I have to say, this article warms my heart a bit.  It's not just me.

And to the commenter that mentioned the parish school...yeah...that only works if you know you have kids.  And a husband to get said kids.

Compliments

Last night, I begged, pleaded and bribed Mass Buddy to go to a college Mass with me as a favor to the priest who runs the CNC there.  Earlier in the day, I had gone out to Mass in the middle of nowhere and saw some chocolate covered expresso beans that were multicolored.  I thought Mass Buddy would like them so I got him some.  I also got him Sen-Sen, the most disgusting gum ever.  I could go on and on about the smell and the taste but I'll spare you.  It's not so bad, only when he has more than like 3 pieces.  I digress.  He thanked me for being so thoughtful and later for being so generous.  I just was like whatever, no big deal.

At Mass, a woman told me I had a very pretty voice and I should be singing up front or cantoring.  I just kind of blinked at her and stared at Mass Buddy, who agreed with her. I think I managed to stammer out a thank you.

I was thinking of this and how I never know what to say other than to blow it off when someone pays me a compliment.  I was thinking back to a couple months ago and my boss was paying me a compliment.  I was like it's no big deal, whatever, blah blah blah.  She was like you don't know how to take a compliment do you?  I stammered and tried to apologize.  She was like you didn't get a lot of compliments growing up did you?  Uhm.  I was told I was smart a bunch.  But that was often followed by the I have no common sense line.

I've been thinking about this.  I can't remember the last compliment my parents gave me.  They've said that this was nice or it was ok.  But it always seemed a cop-out and they were just trying to save face. I could always tell they didn't mean it.

I guess I don't know what to do in the face of compliments.  I'm thinking of how I cook for Movie Buddy and he's always praising my cooking.  I have a hard time believing that he likes it so much.  He seems so sincere but I'm never sure.  It's easier when I watch him eat it and then go for seconds, if that makes any sense.  I made him coffee ice cream for Valentine's Day last year I think and he loved it so much he had it for brekkie.

I think the other problem is that I don't think it is anything special.  Of course, I should do my best no matter what I am doing...otherwise why am I doing it?  I think of the candy.  Of course I would get my bestest friend in the whole wide candy he liked if I saw it in the store and had spare monies.  Why wouldn't I?

I'm just confused by the whole thing.

Friends and Social Networks

Up until about a month ago, I was pretty active on semi-obscure social network.  I've essentially left it though.  I've been asked why.  I've been asked to come back.  I've been told I'm missed.

I don't believe it.  I can't believe any one would miss me.

Lately it seems as all I've been doing is whining.  And no one likes a whiner and complainer.  No one likes a cling-on and someone who's needy.  So I stopped posting.

I had thought I had I made a friend of sorts.  But then this "friend" betrayed me.  I see  how foolish I was to trust someone.  To think that I had made another friend (bringing the total to 2!).  I am so beyond hurt.  I had worked so hard to tear down the walls around my heart.  Now I'm working to build them back.

Early

For the last few weeks, I have been waking up around 5-5:30 am.  Sometimes, I wake up even early.  Since I go to bed somewhere between 11pm and 12 am, I'm not exactly thrilled with this development.

I've been on the sad and even cranky side and have been blaming it on lack of sleep.  Except this weekend, I managed to sleep later.  I was incredibly happy on Sunday.

I'm not happy now.  I again woke up at 5:30 am this morning.  It's not like I'm up, I'm in some half-awake, half-asleep daze, but my mind is awake.  Really awake.  And it starts running and thinking and running and thinking.  And I could feel myself getting sadder and sadder.  I can't seem to stop the thoughts and the running.

I suppose that if I had time to come to an equilibrium, it would not be so bad.  Except I'm never reaching equilibrium.

happiness

I'm incredibly happy today.  So I decided to share my happiness by making:
2 batches of peppermint snowball cookies
2 batches of peppermint brownies
1 batch diet soda cupcakes
1 batch champagne cupcakes

I can't decide if champagne is better by itself or in cupcakes...

Learning Opportunity

I'm trying to do the Fast, Pray, Give challenges from Busted Halo.  I'm doing a horrid job.  I forget to look.  Then I forget them.  I couldn't find this mornings.  I finally found it:

Lenten MicroChallenges: FAST from describing anything done by yourself or anyone else today as a failure or mistake. PRAY that you might always experience failures as learning opportunities rather than as judgements on yourself. GIVE time to doing something you're not confident you'll succeed at.

Right.  I've screwed the pooch on this one.  My life is one big "learning opportunity" Except I don't ever seem to learn.  

Cleaning

Not what I was hoping to do on a Saturday morning.

I was going to make movie buddy cookies instead but he thought I should clean my room.  spoilsport.

I'm finding all sorts of interesting things.  I still haven't found the book I've lost.  I found a letter that is headed to the shredder.  Rather thankful I lost it honestly now that I'm reading it.  Wow I'm rather emo and pathetic in it.

I did find $2.  I'm hoping to find more.

And I found nylons.  I'm a little confused as to why I even have nylons.

Why am I supposed to wear makeup again?

Eek
Chemicals!
http://dailyinfographic.com/beautiful-problems-infographic/infographic-skin-final
http://dailyinfographic.com/fatal-attraction-cosmetics-and-chemicals-infographic

Maybe I should stop using soap....

Identity

Last night, movie buddy and I watched Cypher. In this movie, a man is essentially brainwashed twice as 2 different men. I'm thinking about this as I am pondering yet again why seraphic singles makes me so upset. I'm also thinking about female catholic bloggers and what they think women should be wearing at Mass.

I think it all boils down to identity. I don't have one anymore. I used to be identified as a student. I'm not a student anymore. Most women my age can also be identified as wife if not mother as well. I think of my former female classmates, all but 1 (and me) are married.

I don't know who I am. Reading these blogs gives me the sense that I am lacking. And worse what I am is wrong

I should just stop reading...

There's a blog called Seraphic Singles and it's mostly advice for single women.  I honestly don't know why I read it anymore.  It only upsets me.  Because I'm everything "wrong" and it just feeds into the feelings of hopelessness and ineptness I have.

This morning's post has actually made me cry. And now I feel even more hopeless.