I think back

to when I was 19-20.  I don't remember what the tipping point was, but from point moment on, I decided that I was not going to get married and that was the end of it.  It may have been because I had been reading about something for class and discovered that my chances of repeating the behavior I was subjected to growing up were sky high.  It may have been because I was already so old and had never been asked out.  It may have been finding out that it was going to be very difficult if not impossible for me to have children.  I was still pretty indoctrinated as a Catholic at that age.  Marriage was for having babies.  Since I wasn't going to be able to have them, what man would want me?  What kind of a man would he be if he didn't want kids?

I didn't need a man.  Maybe I didn't even like them.  Yeah.  I don't need a guy to be happy.  Men are all scum anyway.  (Please keep in mind that I went to an all girls high school...)

I was going to be an independent woman.  I didn't need any body.

And life went on.

And now I'm 15 years older.

I came home to an empty house.  There's no one to greet me.  No one to care if I even make it home from work.  I forgot to go to the store to get something to eat so I'm scrounging and thinking maybe I shouldn't even bother.  There's no one else to cook for.

This is my life.

I'm sitting here trying to decide where I'm going to mope.

This is my life.  How did it come to this?  I know how it came to this.  It was my own stupid fault.  Thinking I was made for better things.  Thinking that I could do something meaningful with my life.  Thinking that tomorrow would be better.

But tomorrow's not going to be better.  It's just going to be more of the same.