As I sit alone on a Friday night crying, well not totally alone, my parents are home, might as well be alone, I keep asking myself how did it come to this? This was not how it was supposed to be. The sucky part of my life was supposed to be over.
And I keep thinking about what the priest said to me, about how if I was kind and pleasant and nice I'd have friends. He told me not be clingy. As if there was an aura of blackness and evil that precedes me.
I'm crying because I know he is right. I'm not a nice person. I'm not pleasant. I'm not kind. It is all entirely my fault. I'm totally powerless to change it.
I look into my future and I see hundreds upon thousands of nights just like this. alone. isolated. and I can't bear to face it.
What is the point after all? There is no point. I get up, go to work, go to bed. ad infinitum. This is my life. It totally sucks and it is totally my fault. And I totally can't manage to do anything about it.
3 comments:
I see how depressed you are... and how alone. As though no one cares about you... It's very hard to move beyond those feelings, but somehow you must. Believe me when I say that your suffering can be useful in helping others. Your understanding and empathy needs an outlet. But only you can take the first step. Is it possible for you to volunteer with some doggie rescue group? Or a feeding program for the homeless? Something that will move you beyond yourself. Again, you are the one who has to take the first step. And that first step is hard because you will have to resolve to change no matter what! You are a fine young woman from all that I have read of you in the past few years. You have courage and strength for the long haul, if you are able to take that first step. God bless and keep you safe...
Uhm. You must be mistaken. No one has ever called me understanding or possessing empathy.
I DID! I'm not nobody... or no one...
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