Failure

I was asked today why I don't have a PhD in astrophysics since I thought of myself as a scientist instead of an educator.  Becuase I was essentially cornered, I had to tell the truth.

I first went to graduate school in the Fall of 1998.  For the first time, I was on my own and completely in charge of myself.  I was free.  I didn't study as much as I should have and I started to struggle.  I didn't understand it at first.  Before, I was always able to skate by with studying the week of the test.  It was not working.  It turns out I had ADHD.  I had finally reached the point where the cognitive demands were too much for my coping strategies.  I also decided that I wanted experience teaching.  I had thought about going into Astronomy Education Research (AER) or Physics Education Research (PER).  I thought teaching would be good thing to experience so I wouldn't sound like a hypocrite.  I also wasn't sure that this was what I wanted.  I had yet to form significant friendships with anyone and the loneliness was eating at me.

I graduated with an MS by the skin of my teeth and went on to teach at a community college.  Within a week, I knew I had made a critical mistake.  I had made the wrong decision.  I grew to hate going to work.  I would get sick every morning.  I wasn't a very good teacher either.  I'm not patient and I have high expectations.  I wasn't able to convey this in any kind of teacherly way.  It was a disaster.  And even more so because while I recognized that there were problems, I was unable to solve them or even attempt to solve them at the time.

I knew at the time teaching was not for me.  I decided to go back to grad school and get my PhD.  I had regretted not seriously attempting it and I was fixing that.

Again, I did not study as much as  I should have.  I can blame my family, I can blame the stars in the sky.  The simple fact of the matter is I did not sit my butt down and study.  Modern physics totally escaped me and I responded by totally avoiding it.  I failed the Qualifier.  Twice.  I was not getting a PhD in physics.

The one goal I had in life crashed in front of me.  Looking back, I can see I became seriously depressed.  The next year is a blur.  I couldn't find a job and I was despondant.

I was offered a place in a program for a PhD in Education.  I took it because I was at a complete loss of what to do with my life and I needed more time.  It took another year before I wasn't so seriously depressed.

I've graduated and I have a PhD.  But the failure still haunts me and follows me around.

I was asked what I want to be when I grow up and I have no answer.  All I can think of is not to be a failure.