Struggling

I've been struggling recently.

I'm beginning to think that a friend would be better off without me.  I seem to bring no amount of bad luck to this friend and apparently encourage bad behavior.

Now that Jake is gone, I'm realizing no one really needs me.  No one really wants me.

I went with a gentleman friend to a parish event.  The priest was so chatty.  After Mass he talked to us and asked me if I was going with the guy.  Clueless as I was, I was like yes.  Then Father was like maybe the Holy Spirit will work in the two of you.  Oh.  He meant not going to the festival, he meant dating.  Crap.  Gentleman friend has made his intentions clearly known and it isn't along the same lines that Father had in mind.

I'll spare you the details of the panic/anxiety attack I managed to have at the parish festival...

Gentleman friend and I go to get dinner at the festival.  Father asked us to sit with him.  He's very chatty.  Father gets ready to leave and asks if we are engaged.  I'm like no.  He looks at Gentleman Friend and was like you need to get engaged to her and marriage will be good for the both of you.  I cover my face with my hands and apparently my face goes bright red.

Later, Gentleman friend was like I know the priest embarrassed you.  Uh.  No.  You're face got all red and you covered it.  Because I was trying not to cry.  Because Father saying it was like a knife twisting in my heart, knowing no man wants to marry me.  That I'm not special to anyone.    And on some level, I was scared of Gentleman friend's reaction.  That he would abandon me.

I dunno.  I'm being stupid and silly for sure.