No reason

So I've been laying in my bed for the last 2 hours or so thinking and crying.  It was a nice day.  Was thinking that if Jake were still here we'd go for a walk and get ice cream.

I probably would have resisted at first.  But then I would have guilted myself into taking him out.

There's really no reason for me to go for walks anymore.  I guess I should walk because it's "good" for me.  That's just not a good enough reason.

The question

To "mope" or not to "mope"...

I prefer calling it laying in bed staring at the wall actually

Sucks

As I sit alone on a Friday night crying, well not totally alone, my parents are home, might as well be alone, I keep asking myself how did it come to this?  This was not how it was supposed to be.  The sucky part of my life was supposed to be over.

And I keep thinking about what the priest said to me, about how if I was kind and pleasant and nice I'd have friends. He told me not be clingy.  As if there was an aura of blackness and evil that precedes me.

I'm crying because I know he is right.  I'm not a nice person.  I'm not pleasant.  I'm not kind.  It is all entirely my fault.  I'm totally powerless to change it.

I look into my future and I see hundreds upon thousands of nights just like this.  alone.  isolated.  and I can't bear to face it.

What is the point after all?  There is no point.  I get up, go to work, go to bed.  ad infinitum.  This is my life.  It totally sucks and it is totally my fault.  And I totally can't manage to do anything about it.

Dreaming

I had my favorite and my least favorite dream again this morning.  It is the same dream that I love and hate.  I'm being held and my head is resting on his chest and his arms are around me and I'm so warm and safe.  My brain is quiet.  He smells a little bit like the outdoors.  Every so often, he kisses the top of my head and then rests his chin on my head.  It's how I know he has a head cause I never see it.  This time I'm giggling and he squeezes me harder telling me to go to sleep.

I love this dream but I hate it so much.  I hate it so much because it makes me seem vulnerable.  I hate it because it is so girly.  But most of all, I hate it because it starts to fill me with hope and I know there is no hope for me.  I know no one is ever going to want to hold me like that with no strings attached.  And I am all the more sad.

Terror

It's been rather warm here so the bedroom windows are open.  I live on a busy street.  Last night I was suddenly awoken and filled with absolute terror.  I was so terrified that I actually ran out of bed in a really odd way.  I was about halfway off the bed when I finally came to my senses.  A car/bike without a muffler had come roaring down the street.

The terror is still about me.  I wonder what I was dreaming about.

waves of sadness

I'm currently being drowned in waves of sadness.
I don't feel like doing much of anything.

Combative

I was told that I was being combative today. It is impossible to refute the accusation because you are being combative by refuting.

I'm thinking about this and I think I know what the real problem is, or at least a factor.

I don't feel I'm being listened to. Because I'm not being heard, I'm getting combative in an attempt to be heard. Which just makes it all worse.

I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't talk if no one is going to listen .