No TV..

until after 2/15.  I'm only watching Downton Abbey because PBS doesn't have commercials.

A Reason...

I was reading through the blog feeder this morning and this post popped up.  It's about how a man killed himself after having to euthanize his dog.  Like the post's author, I totally identify with the feelings and emotions going on.  Some days I just don't want to get out of bed. But I have to get up and feed Jake and take him for a walk.  On the worst days, he doesn't get walked, he just gets let out into the yard.  If I don't get up, he'll pee on my shoes or worse start licking my birkenstocks.

Sometimes, it's all I have.  That something loves me.  Jake and I curl up under the covers.

Actually, Jake is rather good for me in other ways.  He gets distressed when I'm distressed so I try not to get distressed because it upsets him.

But Jake is slowly dying from cancer.  I don't know what I'll do without him.

The Dowager on Downton Abbey

Is my favorite character. She always has the right snarky nice thing to say.  If only I could be like her.

Dreams

Lately, I have been having 2 recurring dreams.  They are very nice dreams.

In the first dream, I can feel a man's arms around me.  Usually, I'm facing him with my head resting on a really soft t-shirt or sweater.  I can smell him and he smells safe.  His head is resting on top my head...well my head's tucked under his chin.  He so warm.  and soft.  and safe.  He keeps me from drowning.

The first time I had this dream, I moved to that half wake-half sleep state and I fully expected him to be there.  I even called to him.  And then I started waking up and I was like, this isn't right.  I'm not in the right spot.  And then I realized it was a dream.  I just started crying.

In the second dream, I've managed to convince (coerce, blackmail, whatever) Hiking Buddy to go camping with me.  In some dreams Jake is there and some dreams he's not.  I think in the first dream Jake went and slept in Hiking Buddy's tent.  The latest one had us both in our tents across from each other with fire in the middle.  I know we are having lots of fun because the overall feel of the dream is happy.  There's lots of green.

Cobbler!

Over the summer, I bought lots of berries and froze them.  My family wants the freezer space back so I'm trying to figure out what to do with the frozen berries.

I found this recipe for Blackberry Cobbler and made it with blackberries and raw sugar (that sugar that is brown colored and really big).   It was really good.  There's nothing in the recipe that is specific to blackberries, so I thought I'd experiment with the frozen strawberries I have.  This time, I borrowed a Photo Buddy's glass pie pan.  When I made the cobbler the first time, it escaped from the throwaway tin and got all over the oven and there was smoke and nasty.  His glass pie pan was perfect!  (now...to figure out how to keep said pie pan....).  Here's how it looks unbaked:

And here it is baked:

Just needs cream ;)

Running....

I think alot of people many people don't get depression.  One of my social network friends gets it.  You can read what he says about it here.

Someone said to me yesterday, you can't possibly be depressed.  You do all this stuff.  You go hiking, you go to wineries, you go on adventures.  You are not depressed.

I'm running.  If I run fast enough, depression won't catch me.  I have to busy.  I have to fill my mind with anything and everything.

When depression catches me, it's like a black sludge pulling me down into a pit.  I fall so hard so fast.  I know that being idle in any sense of the word brings about the likelihood that the sludge will catch me.  Each time it catches me, it is harder to pull free.

I have to keep running.  The alternative is to curl up in a ball under my blanket and cry.

Rough Morning

This morning was the Maplewood Winter Farmers' Market at Schafly Bottleworks.  I'm gearing up to make soup and I prefer buying local ingredients grown by local farmers.  Yes, sometimes the stuff costs more, but I think it is a worthwhile investment.  I headed there first thing this morning as it opened at 9 am.

I opened the door and the smell of yeast?  uncooked beer?  hops?  it's a beer smell...but not a beer from a beer can smell... hit me and I immediately started to panic.  I loathe that smell more than anything in the world.  I was instantly remembering being a little kid and smelling that on my dad and his clothes.  I wanted to flee.  But I had to get food for soup.

It was so crowded.  And people were standing around socializing.  It was hard to move around and see the different tables.  I started not to be able to think.  All I could remember was I needed sweet potatoes.  I found said sweet potatoes and probably way overpaid.  But I wanted out.  I couldn't focus my brain was like panic! flee!  run!  I did manage to pull it together to buy Jake dried liver.  My revulsion at having to feed Jake liver won over the burgeoning panic for a moment.

They had artisan coffee and Photo Buddy so loves coffee, I was like I'll get him some.  but there was a line and I was like I can't stay in here any longer.  So no coffee for Photo Buddy.

I was fine once I got into my car.

And now I'm going to go play in the sunshine.