woke up

happy.  :)

Probably because I managed to run into Buddy and he gave me a big hug.  Makes the world a better place.

this is all there is

I get up, go to work, come home.
I stare at the wall or stare at the computer screen.
The only difference is whether or not I cry myself to sleep.
Every so often I go over to Movie Buddy's house and watch a movie.  That's coming to an end so then it will be every weekday get up, go to work, come home and stare at the screen.
Every couple weeks I go on a trip with Adventure Buddy.  But that's coming to an end too.
Ad infinitum.

This is my life.

I loved Dead Poets Society.  I loved Walden.  I loved the ideals in them.  How did I come to be living a life so completely opposite of that.

All in all, I'm just another brick in the wall.  And I hate it with a burning passion.  And I loathe myself for letting it happen.

I don't know

what to do with myself.

I'm totally bored.  And I'm totally depressed.

Vacation

I noticed on my most recent pay stub that I have accumulated 80 hours of vacation.  That would be 2 weeks.  Two glorious weeks of fun and not worrying about a very tall truck with an expensive solar panel roof and short bridges.

I want to see the beach.  Not just any beach, but the Pacific Ocean.  They say the Pacific has no memory (Quick!  what movie is that from?)

I decided to go to Oregon.  Because of my uh fluffiness (yeah that's it) it would be better on all parties if I took my car and drove.  That way I can stop and see stuff, and never actually get there.  I was really excited.  I could see mountains and waterfalls and covered bridges.  I signed up to get all the travel brochures from the states I would be driving through.

And then I realized something.  It would be 2 weeks alone.  A road trip alone.  I don't have any one to share the fun with.

I think it was the question asked on Montana's website that made me not want to go anymore.  It asked "Who is your travel companion?"  and one of the options was a furry four legged friend.

I never got to take Jake to the beach.  I was going to take him after I graduated.  I think he would have loved the beach with all the smells.  I'm not sure how he would have been walking in sand but we would have looked for a different kind of beach.  I wonder if he would have gone into the ocean.

Washing and Putting Away

I have finally started washing Jake's beds and bandanas.  I held off because I couldn't face it.  I kept telling myself it was because I didn't have a large plastic storage box.  I bought 2 this afternoon and am slowly washing and filling it.

It's led to some discussion with my mother.  She apparently thinks I would wash all of Jake's bedding in Woolite.  Of course I would, ignoring the special dog bed detergent I bought just for this purpose.  Then she's telling me she washed everything.  Uhm no she didn't.  But it wouldn't matter, I need to this.

I'm not sure how to wash the bandanas.

I miss him so much.  I've been feeling terribly guilty.  I've been working a lot of long hours away from home and I was relieved that Jake was not suffering missing me.  And then I was consumed with horrid guilt for thinking those things.

I realized yesterday that if it wasn't for Hiking Buddy, work and Mass, I'd never leave the house.  I haven't gone for a walk in a park since Jake died.

Jake needed me and he was always happy to see me.  I miss that so much.

Turtles n snakes

On the drive to a parish wine event, I asked Drinking buddy to keep an on the road for snakes. He's like what are you going to close your eyes? Of course not, I'm driving... I want to make sure I run them over :p. what about turtles? Oh I like them. I'll avoid them!

Struggling

I've been struggling recently.

I'm beginning to think that a friend would be better off without me.  I seem to bring no amount of bad luck to this friend and apparently encourage bad behavior.

Now that Jake is gone, I'm realizing no one really needs me.  No one really wants me.

I went with a gentleman friend to a parish event.  The priest was so chatty.  After Mass he talked to us and asked me if I was going with the guy.  Clueless as I was, I was like yes.  Then Father was like maybe the Holy Spirit will work in the two of you.  Oh.  He meant not going to the festival, he meant dating.  Crap.  Gentleman friend has made his intentions clearly known and it isn't along the same lines that Father had in mind.

I'll spare you the details of the panic/anxiety attack I managed to have at the parish festival...

Gentleman friend and I go to get dinner at the festival.  Father asked us to sit with him.  He's very chatty.  Father gets ready to leave and asks if we are engaged.  I'm like no.  He looks at Gentleman Friend and was like you need to get engaged to her and marriage will be good for the both of you.  I cover my face with my hands and apparently my face goes bright red.

Later, Gentleman friend was like I know the priest embarrassed you.  Uh.  No.  You're face got all red and you covered it.  Because I was trying not to cry.  Because Father saying it was like a knife twisting in my heart, knowing no man wants to marry me.  That I'm not special to anyone.    And on some level, I was scared of Gentleman friend's reaction.  That he would abandon me.

I dunno.  I'm being stupid and silly for sure.