Said to Me: Your niavete pops out every day. It's like your super power.
Yeah. I don't know how to make the fancy dots above letters in blogger...
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Apathy..
thy name is mine.
Isn't that how that quote goes?
Anyway, I have a case of apathy. I just don't care. Whatever.
Isn't that how that quote goes?
Anyway, I have a case of apathy. I just don't care. Whatever.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Failure
I was asked today why I don't have a PhD in astrophysics since I thought of myself as a scientist instead of an educator. Becuase I was essentially cornered, I had to tell the truth.
I first went to graduate school in the Fall of 1998. For the first time, I was on my own and completely in charge of myself. I was free. I didn't study as much as I should have and I started to struggle. I didn't understand it at first. Before, I was always able to skate by with studying the week of the test. It was not working. It turns out I had ADHD. I had finally reached the point where the cognitive demands were too much for my coping strategies. I also decided that I wanted experience teaching. I had thought about going into Astronomy Education Research (AER) or Physics Education Research (PER). I thought teaching would be good thing to experience so I wouldn't sound like a hypocrite. I also wasn't sure that this was what I wanted. I had yet to form significant friendships with anyone and the loneliness was eating at me.
I graduated with an MS by the skin of my teeth and went on to teach at a community college. Within a week, I knew I had made a critical mistake. I had made the wrong decision. I grew to hate going to work. I would get sick every morning. I wasn't a very good teacher either. I'm not patient and I have high expectations. I wasn't able to convey this in any kind of teacherly way. It was a disaster. And even more so because while I recognized that there were problems, I was unable to solve them or even attempt to solve them at the time.
I knew at the time teaching was not for me. I decided to go back to grad school and get my PhD. I had regretted not seriously attempting it and I was fixing that.
Again, I did not study as much as I should have. I can blame my family, I can blame the stars in the sky. The simple fact of the matter is I did not sit my butt down and study. Modern physics totally escaped me and I responded by totally avoiding it. I failed the Qualifier. Twice. I was not getting a PhD in physics.
The one goal I had in life crashed in front of me. Looking back, I can see I became seriously depressed. The next year is a blur. I couldn't find a job and I was despondant.
I was offered a place in a program for a PhD in Education. I took it because I was at a complete loss of what to do with my life and I needed more time. It took another year before I wasn't so seriously depressed.
I've graduated and I have a PhD. But the failure still haunts me and follows me around.
I was asked what I want to be when I grow up and I have no answer. All I can think of is not to be a failure.
I first went to graduate school in the Fall of 1998. For the first time, I was on my own and completely in charge of myself. I was free. I didn't study as much as I should have and I started to struggle. I didn't understand it at first. Before, I was always able to skate by with studying the week of the test. It was not working. It turns out I had ADHD. I had finally reached the point where the cognitive demands were too much for my coping strategies. I also decided that I wanted experience teaching. I had thought about going into Astronomy Education Research (AER) or Physics Education Research (PER). I thought teaching would be good thing to experience so I wouldn't sound like a hypocrite. I also wasn't sure that this was what I wanted. I had yet to form significant friendships with anyone and the loneliness was eating at me.
I graduated with an MS by the skin of my teeth and went on to teach at a community college. Within a week, I knew I had made a critical mistake. I had made the wrong decision. I grew to hate going to work. I would get sick every morning. I wasn't a very good teacher either. I'm not patient and I have high expectations. I wasn't able to convey this in any kind of teacherly way. It was a disaster. And even more so because while I recognized that there were problems, I was unable to solve them or even attempt to solve them at the time.
I knew at the time teaching was not for me. I decided to go back to grad school and get my PhD. I had regretted not seriously attempting it and I was fixing that.
Again, I did not study as much as I should have. I can blame my family, I can blame the stars in the sky. The simple fact of the matter is I did not sit my butt down and study. Modern physics totally escaped me and I responded by totally avoiding it. I failed the Qualifier. Twice. I was not getting a PhD in physics.
The one goal I had in life crashed in front of me. Looking back, I can see I became seriously depressed. The next year is a blur. I couldn't find a job and I was despondant.
I was offered a place in a program for a PhD in Education. I took it because I was at a complete loss of what to do with my life and I needed more time. It took another year before I wasn't so seriously depressed.
I've graduated and I have a PhD. But the failure still haunts me and follows me around.
I was asked what I want to be when I grow up and I have no answer. All I can think of is not to be a failure.
Mardi Gras
I have to say...I really don't get Mardi Gras. I understand the religious significance and get that but all the other stuff is beyond me. It just looks like an excuse to get drunk. And really do you need an excuse? Any place that is going to have a high percentage of drunk, rowdy people, I'm so not going to visit. I'm not sure I get the beads either. I get them for little kids. But "adults" why?
So for your Mardi Gras Pleasure:
But of course, I prefer
Eat Drink and Be Merry!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Hope
I have very little, if any, hope. I have just a sliver. That sliver is occupied with other things. I think, on some level, you have to make your own hope. I just can't do it.
I'm reminded of these scenes from Shawshank Redemption, my favorite movie.
and Hope is a Good Thing
Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.
Giving Up For Lent
Lent starts in 2 days. It is traditional for Catholics to do penance of some kind. This could mean giving something up, like candy, or doing something extra, like praying.
In the past few years, I have been a dismal failure at Lent. I have goals and plans and don't manage to carry them out. I only had 2 goals last Lent, read a book and something else. I didn't manage either.
The year before wasn't too bad. I did the Busted Halo Fast, Pray, Give challenge. At least when I messed that up, I had the next day to start all over. Kind of like Confession.
Now the Lent I came back to being Catholic was good because I set the bar really low: go to Mass every Sunday. Happily, Lent made that a habit. Then the school year ended. And I got a dog. Who howled when left alone. :/
I'm trying to decide what I should do for Lent this year. There are a great many shoulds I could do. I think I'm going to give the Fast Pray Give Challenge another go. This year maybe I need to focus on the last 2. In years past I've only focused on fast. Praying is not my forte. It turns into a horrid self pitying whine and laundry list of how my life utterly sucks. Or I merge prayers together. Let's not subject God to that again.
I know I need to get my spending under control. So maybe I will focus on that.
I spoke with a an old friend yesterday. She lives in another state and I haven't seen her in 5 years. We've grown apart but I can count on her for advice. She was like you are at a decision point in your life. You have to make a decision. It doesn't mean that you can't change the decision later. It doesn't mean that there won't be an exit point later, you can always exist if the decision is not right. I have a tendency to let others make decisions for me or to let decisions make themselves. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision, which is a topic for another day. I need to think about what I am going to do. Although I feel like sometimes all I do is think. Maybe I need to take action.
I have 40 days. What will I do with them?
In the past few years, I have been a dismal failure at Lent. I have goals and plans and don't manage to carry them out. I only had 2 goals last Lent, read a book and something else. I didn't manage either.
The year before wasn't too bad. I did the Busted Halo Fast, Pray, Give challenge. At least when I messed that up, I had the next day to start all over. Kind of like Confession.
Now the Lent I came back to being Catholic was good because I set the bar really low: go to Mass every Sunday. Happily, Lent made that a habit. Then the school year ended. And I got a dog. Who howled when left alone. :/
I'm trying to decide what I should do for Lent this year. There are a great many shoulds I could do. I think I'm going to give the Fast Pray Give Challenge another go. This year maybe I need to focus on the last 2. In years past I've only focused on fast. Praying is not my forte. It turns into a horrid self pitying whine and laundry list of how my life utterly sucks. Or I merge prayers together. Let's not subject God to that again.
I know I need to get my spending under control. So maybe I will focus on that.
I spoke with a an old friend yesterday. She lives in another state and I haven't seen her in 5 years. We've grown apart but I can count on her for advice. She was like you are at a decision point in your life. You have to make a decision. It doesn't mean that you can't change the decision later. It doesn't mean that there won't be an exit point later, you can always exist if the decision is not right. I have a tendency to let others make decisions for me or to let decisions make themselves. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision, which is a topic for another day. I need to think about what I am going to do. Although I feel like sometimes all I do is think. Maybe I need to take action.
I have 40 days. What will I do with them?
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